I guess I need to update..and Maybe make it a more regular thing *shrug*..in my spare time :O)
So Christmas is over...thankfully *sigh*..I really wish I did not feel like that. It is just the stress of it all that I hate. This year brought on a whole new stress. The fact that we had to cut back more than ever before, that I could not give all that I wanted to..that I received much more than I feel that I deserved. My kids though, had a wonderful year due to every ones generosity. My grandparents gave us enough that we were able to give our kids a lot. They got the
wii. Which is for all of us :O)
Keegan got an
ipod, Shane a remote control motorcycle thing he wanted and Ava lots of random pink things :O) Bryan gave me a new phone..which I love but wish he would not do that knowing that we are so broke and of course I could not return the favor. I also got the twilight CD.
Twilight..I am obsessed, it is sad I know. I think I am more obsessed w/
Paramore. The thing is Bryan brought home their RIOT CD sometime last summer but forgot to listen to it..I am so mad it took me this long to really get into them. I love Decode and I caught myself off the Twilight CD..they both just go so well w/ my Twilight obsession. There is really nothing more to say here (hanging my head in shame)
LOLKeegan's Birthday is the 24
th..party too. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have a nine year old. Life is just going by to quickly when I look at him. He recently got a part in the Annie
jr. production for our school district. He is an announcer and part of the chorus. I am really proud of him. He also has his red belt. He is into Magic and spy stuff. He is a funny kid.
Shane is a funny kid too. He is all into Ninjas and still guitar hero. He has beat 37 songs of 42 on expert. He is only 6. Nor does he spend a lot of time playing it So I am really unsure how he is that good. He is doing wonderfully in school..he is now reading and is exceptional at math. I am very proud of my boys. They both are exceptionally smart and have lots of talents. Shane can hear music better than anyone I have ever seen. If he does not play an instrument it will be a real waste. He can turn anything into an instrument and make real song out of it. It is honestly crazy. Blows even Bryan away.
I do have a pretty big head when it comes to my family. There are so many possibilities of talent in my boys and they have so many influences to work from. Bryan plays guitar and music is a huge center of our family. There is always music playing in the background of my house. Even Ava is not tone def by any means and Loves music and will ask to listen to things..like
paramore... that she loves. Shane is so blatantly good at all things musically. If he would put in the effort to play guitar..he could and easily. He can play a few songs. Then w/
Keegan his dad is a wonderful artist..he draws cartoons for the most but very talented. Then his natural abilities that come from no where.. or maybe my love for reading I don't know. But he can write the best stories that I have ever seen in a 6-9 year old... he has been writing them since he could write. He has a love for all things scary as did me and my dad..so funny how I can see so much of myself in him..even the bad parts.. like anxiety. He even bites his nails. My doing photography and computer graphics of course gives them a lot of computer hands on, all three would blow you away w/ their knowledge of computers. But that is more the age they are growing up in. The boys have a summer obsession of Skateboarding and a winter obsession of snowboarding..they are not all that great at either but their determination really does surprise me.
Then there is Ava and she loves of all things pink
LOL and sparkly. She is a ball of trouble. She at the wonderful terrible 3 age, getting to everything she can reach..or even figuring out how to get the things she can't. She is a great kid though and I love her so much. She is very loving, especially to her daddy..lol..I am a little jealous there
cuz I know he is in love w/ her just as strongly. I never thought a mothers love could ever have competition until you see the daddy daughter love between them. She is in preschool too. She goes on Mondays and Wednesday to a preschool I don't really care for. Does not seem worth the money and if it was not purely selfish I would not take her at all. But I really do cherish the 4 hours a week to myself. it has been 9 years of waiting for alone time and well.. I think I deserve it. This attitude is why I know I am done w/ having kids.
I feel no longing to have another child. I don't feel like my life is missing anything but who I used to be honestly. I long to have myself back. I am finding myself again too its been great!! I remember the stuff I like.. I know the stuff I like now. I remember my uniqueness that I forgot trying to be a mom and fit in and be normal...but I am far from it. It is scaring my husband though.. I don't think he has ever really liked my goofy way of dressing and my wild hair colors. I told him I want to die my hair crimson red or at least w/ streaks..he frowned..
LOL so I am struggling w/ my need to please him and my new found need to be me. Unfortunately I realize my age is against me too. The style I love is probably to young for me and I am sure that I will just look like a mom who is dressing to young. But damn it I was dressing this way long before it was in style.. doesn't that count. I also hope that I don't push Bryan away by me being me. He knows that I am ..uummm...colorful and he has never liked it. He hated my recent bangs phase.. and I of course got rid of them. *sigh* but he is the only one I care to please besides myself so I am struggling w/ how much it really matters to me. Which matters more?, being the sexy woman he wants me to be or just being myself for me..
And on that note I think I am done for now. I have to go and clean. Love you all
Jax
